Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
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[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side