If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
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A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.