Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
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Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
😜
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Love is always patient and kind.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.