[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
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captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish