[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
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I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Miscakes
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die