God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
You Might Also Like
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that