[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
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Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.