realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
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Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Need WebMD
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Never be a pizza!
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.