Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
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Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
best review i’ve ever seen
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.