Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
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I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
i can’t wait that long
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda