aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
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It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
💯😂
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.