BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
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i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?