If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
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How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?