Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
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I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?