girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
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[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.