Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
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Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Is anyone gonna tell them?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I am yelling
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.