Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
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*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I鈥檓 not frisking you again
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can鈥檛 wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(馃憜)
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you鈥檙e never really alone
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner鈥檚 family Christmas lunch.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father鈥檚 Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.