Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
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me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is