Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
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Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
*pronounces fake like saké*
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.