always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
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FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.