friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
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Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks