I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
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Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Lube but for my dry humor.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
*looks at you in batman voice*
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”