A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
never ask a starfish for directions
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.