I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
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[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
This is amazing.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.