If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
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[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Meow
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.