If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
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Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.