The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
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[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me