This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
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For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years