Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
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dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Me trying to look natural in photos
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd