[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
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Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.