MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Boom, boom, ching!
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.