When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
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“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
is this store having a stroke wtf
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.