Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Strange
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*