“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
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There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
watergate? u mean a dam??
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Jesus Christ lmao
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
They’re not wrong