*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
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Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I ate everything, including the H.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.