The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
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ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
True statement👍😏😁
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.