So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
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I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.