Why do meteors always land in craters?
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me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
see you in hell you stupid fruit
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
My wife gives the best headache.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping