Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
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Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.