My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
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WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Ain’t no way
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.