Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
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just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order