[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
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i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Stop.