I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night