Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
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Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
so much to do
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
new wife guy just dropped
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
incredible book dedication
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.