Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
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Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
My circle of trust is a meatball
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it