ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
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Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.