“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
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Lucky old June.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester