World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
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restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂