Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
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genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
*weighs self after shaving
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
A friend sent me this.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Ken is short for chicken
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.