A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.